


Breathing Again

by toomanysecondchancesxx



Category: One Direction, Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Reality, Romance, one direction - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-02
Updated: 2012-11-02
Packaged: 2017-11-17 15:07:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/552894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toomanysecondchancesxx/pseuds/toomanysecondchancesxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was like drowning. Waves were crashing, toppling over them aggressively knocking the breath out of their lungs. It was like every single time they tried to just stop fighting and breathe water would block their airways and they would end up gasping hopelessly for oxygen. And the choking wouldn’t stop, it couldn’t. Not when Harry watched, unable to tear his gaze away, as Louis kissed Eleanor in scalding daylight or when Harry brought another lonely girl to their flat and all Louis could do was stay up and listen, seizing the ‘his’ blanket desperately.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathing Again

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope this makes sense. It was 4am, I had a blinding headache and Louis and Harry give me feels okay? So the obvious thing to do was write incoherently into the morning. You have no idea how much I have edited this over and over again to ensure it makes sense and is enjoyable. I'm still unsure if it does. I hope you enjoy it though, I worked hard on it.

They were hanging on by a thread. Sweaty hands slipping clumsily as they clutched tightly at the love they had left. It was the love that hadn’t been thrown away in the midst of the hazy pain when all the confusion and frustration clouded their rationality and shadowed their affections. 

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. They were meant to last forever. It was written in their minds and carved over and over again in their hearts until blood poured out their pain. Their love used to be so strong, so unbreakable and untouchable as if it was a treasure only they had the key to. It was a love only they knew and only they understood. It was simples theirs and that’s all they ever wanted. They just wanted their love, whether they knew what it meant at the time or not, to be theirs. 

It wasn’t like that anymore, though. No, it was recycled and polished and molded into something cold and rigid that neither Harry nor Louis recognized. They missed the time when it was easy, when they were innocent and naive because everything was fresh and wondrous. They missed the time when every touch sent tingles surging through their bodies and illuminated every sense and feeling. They wished they could go back to when everything seemed real, not fake and altered to how it was supposed to be instead of how it actually was.

It was their faults, really. They had no one to blame but their inexperienced consciences and idiotic views. They had spent too much time denying the truth that had held them together. They spent too much time trying to convince everyone it was a lie, when they couldn’t even convinces themselves. They spent too much time waiting for the other one to accept it and eventually, they drifted apart. Even so, as they drifted, they clawed at the distant, the dust bringing tears to their eyes.

It was inevitable. They should have seen it coming. It was obvious when Louis began dating Eleanor holding nothing but hollowed and used feelings for an innocent girl. They should have seen it coming when Harry sought out a 32 year old. Especially when he had known she was emotionally manipulating and blackmailing him. They shouldn’t have ignored that warning flag when they had ended up tangled in tainted, Egyptian cotton sheets, whispering sweet nothings in each other’s ears after screaming at each other because why weren’t they Harry and Louis anymore? Why did everything seem so tense and far away? Why did they miss each other when they were right in front of one another, close enough to touch? 

It was obvious when they began to share shadowed kisses, silent signals and mouthed ‘I love you’s’ that it was getting out of hand. That this thing they couldn’t explain wasn’t harmless anymore. It wasn’t feelings being suffocated in glass bottles anymore. It was real. They weren’t imagining it anymore or praying wistfully on shooting stars, it was impulses turning into actions and thoughts turning into words and silence becoming audible. It was breaking them, because to Louis, Harry was his and to Harry, Louis was his but really, they had girlfriends or people who they pranced about in public with. It was unbelievably exasperating because why are we hiding away from the world? Why does it have to be like this? It should have been clear and crystal that with every kiss that wasn’t shared with each other, and every lie they so effortlessly told in interviews, was only testing their love, applying weight after weight on top of their love until it began to waver innovatively. 

It was like drowning. Waves were crashing, toppling over them aggressively knocking the breath out of their lungs. It was like every single time they tried to just stop fighting and breathe, water would block their airways and they would end up gasping hopelessly for oxygen. And the choking wouldn’t stop, it couldn’t. Not when Harry watched, unable to tear his gaze away, as Louis kissed Eleanor in scalding daylight or when Harry brought another lonely girl to their flat and all Louis could do was stay up and listen, seizing the ‘his’ blanket desperately. 

At first it all seemed worth it but then they finally realize that it’s a continuous expedition of falling and rising and falling and falling and rising, they wonder why they keep trying. Why do they keep swimming to the top? Why not just sink? It would just be so much easier to sink into what everyone else wants. They could fall into management’s harsh commands they never obeyed or Liam’s sincere warnings or family’s misguided advice but they simply didn’t. Instead they would do what they needed to. The two would steal as many moments they could together, because it was the only thing that could make them feel again. It was the only thing keeping them sane. 

Harry and Louis somehow twisted the end into something that sounds more appealing that it actually is. With every threat from management and powerful suggestions from loved ones, letting each other go was slowly becoming more plausible. Why go through the treacherous journey that they keep failing, over and over again, when it will only create a scar on their hearts that will fracture the future they’re fighting towards? 

At one point the simplicity of the thing they have been doing accidentally without noticing for a whole year, it just seems so stupid now. All those feelings and emotions and cries and laughter, it all seems like a complete waste of valuable time and that terrifies them. It’s so frightening, that they ignore each other for days at a time and then wonder why the aches become even more unbearable. They come to a conclusion in the midst of the fear that they will lose one another if they don’t stop their love affair. Losing one another isn’t an option, Louis can’t live without Harry and Harry can’t live without Louis, so they stop kissing and loving and longing and just... pretend.

They try and go back, back to a time where it was easier. Sharing only a silent understanding, they try returning to when they were merely close friends twirling in ignorant bliss. It’s relatively the same to the outside eye, they always had a more intimate friendship then most, but really it’s so different it’s excruciating. It just ends up hurting them more. Harry can no longer handle seeing Louis’ hand fit into Eleanor’s like it wasn’t meant to be holding his. Louis chokes on air every time Harry brings a girl back for a meaningless night because Louis knows they should be the ones sharing sinful acts together. It was easier when they had the sense of security that no matter what they did, they were each other’s. Harry was Louis’ and Louis was Harry’s. They stripped that privilege away from each other and then, everything really was falling apart.

It was a startlingly late realization. It made Harry throw the mug Louis gave him for Christmas at the wall of their flat and Louis punch where the indent the mug caused was splattering crimson on it. How could they have not known? Why did it hurt so much? Why couldn’t they bloody breathe anymore? Why was Harry doing this to him? Why was Louis doing this to him?

That thread they were holding onto can only last when there lingering gazes have potential or when those innocent kisses on the cheek can escalate. They can’t be just friends because let’s be frank, they were never just friends. Those delicate gazes and cautious toes stepping over thick painted lines were never the acts of just friends. Normal heterosexual male mates don’t do what Harry and Louis do. Being friends just wasn’t enough to either of the boys anymore. They had already gotten a taste of what it was like to be more and going back just tasted bitter and stale. 

It took Harry moving on from girls to boy to make Louis finally do something because it wasn’t fair, what did Nick have that he didn’t? Why was Harry always with him? What about Louis? Has Harry forgotten?

It was another night where Harry hadn’t returned home. Louis stayed up, sitting on a couch, curled into himself. He waited for Harry to return home because he really just missed Harry so fucking much that he couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t fall asleep without dreaming o what it used to be, what it could be.

When Harry walked through the door, head down, he kicked his shoes off and suddenly Louis was in front of him. They merely stared, reliving memories through the other’s eyes, wallowing in heavy aches and lingering in desperate gazes until they finally end up in each other’s arms where they belong. It was the last untouchable moment they could endure before Harry and Louis snapped. They’re gripping one another for dear life as tears spring out of Louis’ beautiful blue eyes and sobs shake through Harry’s trembling, thin body. 

“Louis” Harry breathes, his voice breaking when another sob scratches through his throat. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

And there is so much to talk about, like Eleanor and Nick and Management and the boys but that’s all they need to hear to be untouchable, unbreakable and strong again. 

Eventually it would all unravel, everything would work out. How could it not? They were Harry and Louis, Louis and Harry, Hazza and Boobear. They were perfect in that flawed, colourful way. 

Louis would soon break up with Eleanor, feigning that he was simply too busy to participate in a relationship and Harry would stop using Nick to fulfill his loneliness. Soon bands and families would be told, and after periods of caution Harry and Louis would gratefully receive nothing but support and love.  
They’d deal with management, renegotiate contracts when the current one expired, set their demands, explain this wouldn’t change and it wasn’t up to them. That would be harder, they knew. Management wouldn’t be as generous in their reactions and acceptance but it didn’t matter. Harry and Louis would fight for it and yea, they would win because they were Harry and Louis. 

Eventually they would fulfill many fans dreams and come out to public. They would endure hateful comments, cooing soothing words and holding one another tightly when it became too much but they would get through it. It wouldn’t amount to the pain of losing one another. Louis and Harry wouldn’t give up because there were a couple bumps, not this time. 

Yes, all that would ensue on smooth and rocky roads, but for now, they would share a kiss. It would be shadowed and hidden but it wouldn’t matter because they weren’t drowning anymore. It wouldn’t matter because it wasn’t the beginning anymore where it was unknown and scary. It wouldn’t matter because it wasn’t the end. It wouldn’t matter because, they were Harry and Louis. 

And Louis and Harry? Well, they were finally breathing again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for getting this far, you lovely person. I hereby award you cyberhugs. :)


End file.
